Confession time: I am not very happy and haven't been for quite a while. I bet you never would have guessed right? Because it is so easy to fake happy on the internet, which I have finally realized is part of the reason for my unhappiness. Let me explain...no, let me sum up (name that movie!). I spend A LOT of time on the internet as I am sure many other SAHM moms do. Really, at least for me, it's unhealthy. I am a very insecure person already, as I mentioned in a previous post, and with everyone (almost) putting on their happy face and making life seem like a breeze and showing off all their marvelous talents and abilities it makes me even more insecure. Thanks to the internet I now have thousands or more women to compare myself to than I already had. Example: I just got my wisdom teeth pulled and I have been in horrible pain, especially when I eat. So I haven't been eating much the last week or so and I have a drastically reduced milk supply to show for it. I struggled with low supply with both of the girls as well but not this early. I also struggle with the pressure of being the only person in the world who can provide for this hungry baby, and this time with 2 other kids to take care of I have been so stressed out (which is probably another reason my milk is slowly drying up). The internet is great because I can get on here and look up advice and tips on how to increase my supply, but I also get to see all the wonderful moms who are able to nurse their babies for 6, 8, 12, 18 months or more. I am pretty much done nursing this baby at only 2 1/2 months, I only made it 3 and 5 months with the girls. I feel like a complete failure because I can't nurse my babies even the recommended 6 months, but I cannot handle my babies hungry cries while I try every stupid trick on the internet to get my milk supply back up.
I got the grand idea last week to start a blog that would reach a bigger audience, a blog about more than just updates for friends and family that would eventually generate enough traffic so I could make a little money selling add space and contribute financially to our family from home. Over the last week as I have read articles and blog posts and even an e-book about how to be successful as a blogger I have become more and more discouraged. What are you good at? What do you know a lot about? What makes you special, what sets you apart? What do YOU have to offer this world, Jennifer???? Certainly nothing "Pin worthy." And why would I? I don't have the time to develop any talents or get creative because I am too busy getting all up in everybody else's bussiness on the internet! I am so busy keeping up with what everyone else is doing that I am not living my own life. I don't have the time to develop patience with my kids or learn how to be a better teacher and a better mother because I am too busy surfing Pinterest and looking at how everyone else does it (perfectly, of course).
I don't know who I am, I don't know who I want to be, I don't know my worth, so I am "unplugging" from the internet so I can hopefully figure it out and find joy and happiness in this life, in the Gospel, in my kids, in my husband, and in myself.
*Just to be clear I am not trying to solicit pity or sympathy. I am writing this to explain why you won't be seeing me on Facebook, Instagram, my blog, Pinterest, etc. for the next little while and in hopes that anyone struggling with the same thing will be inspired to try this too.
2 comments:
I've had to do this a few times as well. Just unplug and focus on ME and MY life. Its so easy and entertaining to get caught up in everyone else. In fact, Ive been feeling like I need to vent about this very thing lately. I've even thought about deleting my FB and blog altogether. It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world! You are not alone in these feelings, trust me :] Enjoy the break- and I know you aren't fishing for compliments or anything but Jen- I think you are talented and beautiful and such a GOOD mommy. a great mommy who worries about things like milk supply because you care about your children like a good mommy would. (btw- I never was able to BF for very long either). You are a better person for taking a break from the internet and I admire you all the more for it.
Jen-
Good for you! I canceled our internet the second that the tiniest bit of pornography flexed its muscles in my home. We paid the ridiculous cancellation fee and everything and let me tell you, we've never looked back. It is extremely inconvenient at times and most people think I'm a crazy person for doing so, but I can honestly say that our lives have been so much better without it and we have seen many of the benefits you're describing above. Plus, we cut a chunk out of our monthly spending and that has been super nice. The only access we have to the internet now is my phone which is so limited that I can't be too terribly distracted by it. So if it comes down to getting rid of it permanently, go for it! We love it!
Side note: I love breastfeeding! I'm not a member of la leche but I have a friend who is a leader there and she gave me several pieces of helpful advice along the way. I know for a fact that she would be thrilled to talk to you. Please contact me if you would like me to get you in touch with her. I know that sounds silly but she will not care if you're not a member. She helps ppl all the time. Obviously no pressure :)
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