Conversations with Regan: Talents

I absolutely love that Regan is so advanced in her language skills. From the time she was born I always wanted to know what was going on in her mind, the same way I do now with Lexi and Ray, and now I have a pretty good idea most of the time. Today while we were eating lunch she brought up talents and wanted to know what my talents were. I wasn’t in the best mood and really didn’t feel like having this conversation, but when Regan starts really talking to me like she normally does at lunch time, she has an amazing talent for making me smile and sometimes for making me really think. I answered her sarcastically (which of course she doesn’t get) and said my talent was making my kids cry because that’s all they were doing today (Raylan was crying at that very moment). Well, she didn’t like that answer and I know she could sense my negativity. She asked what her talents were and like always I told her that dancing was one of them. Then she took me completely by surprise by listing the following as my talents:

Making her happy

Bouncing Raylan’s seat

Playing with her

Bouncing her on my knees

Had I not been in such a negative mood I probably would have cried. I did smile and was able to have a fun conversation with her after that about her friends and fairies.

What really got me thinking was the fact that those things that she listed would certainly not count as talents in my book. I have always struggled in my life to find my worth. I don’t have a spunky cool personality, I don’t easily make friends, I’m not witty enough to make anyone laugh, I’m not a dancer (always wanted to be), I’m not super creative, etc. etc. I could easily sit here and list all the things I am not, all the talents I don’t have and the things I am not good at. But ask me to tell you what I DO have to offer? Well, that list would be quite a bit shorter. So short that while dating Matt I was in constant worry that eventually he would figure out that I’m really not all that special, that I don’t have all that much to offer. Eventually he would see the truth and leave in search of someone better. After almost 5 years of marriage I still wonder sometimes what he sees in me or why he thinks I am so great. I will say that he isn’t the greatest at words, but that isn’t why I struggle to see what he sees in me, it’s because I don’t see it in myself, even if he does tell me.

Today Regan really helped me to see what she sees in me, and it was eye-opening and felt so good coming from her. Because children are nothing if not honest. What she sees is a good mom. It’s almost hard for me to write that. She helped me to see that I am not failing at being her mother like I think I am most days. She let me know that she is happy and that I am a big part of her happiness. She taught me that talents don’t always have to be big things like being able to dance or entertain or create beautiful works of art. I am learning a lot from her, especially when I take the time to listen and pay attention.